I’m writing this while R.I.P To My Youth by The Neighbourhood plays in the background. I could see from the corner of my eye that my brother is in no mood of studying since I’m home after quite a long gap and he couldn’t wait for his pre-board exams to get over so that he can get back to bombarding me with his questions about my college life and the city I go to study in, memories of which are getting obsolete day by day but to him, the same city promises a new obscure world, where he despirately wants to belong. I could hear him talking and how he has now moved on to complaining about the amount of chocolate powder my mother has the habit of putting in our milk which according to him isn’t of appropriate proportion. Anyway, it’s been a long time since I’ve written something about myself or my life on my blog. I don’t know what caught me off gaurd in the past few months but I didn’t feel like writing anywhere, anything at all. Maybe, I was busy having the time of my life or maybe I was busy trying to convince myself that I was infact having the time of my life, probablity of either of the things happening seem negligible to me if I think of it now. Nothing sort of out of the box happened in the past few months. I had my cousin’s engagement in September and my exams in November so was occupied with that, else everything in between – about October is a distant blur to me which I don’t want to remember not because something horrific or exiciting happened but because nothing really happened. I was probably busy with the annual stage play of the Dramatics society of my college in which I’m handling the production work. I wanted to attend my cousin’s marriage but wasn’t able to make it because of my exams. I wish I was there, why am I always the one who misses all the fun? Life is unfair sometimes or maybe my schedule is. Anyway, now that I’m home, I’m trying to make myself indulge in things I have lost track of. Things, I used to love doing at some point in my life. Here’s ending my rant about how big an inconvenience my life is or had been (in the past few months) with a promise that I’ll try to be as regular and as frequest as possible on my blog, as if anybody actually reads whatever that I rant.
It’s 3 in the morning and I’m as usual back to the blog about which I almost forgot. I ended a lot of things and relationships that I had with people and begin new ones and decided to make myself as the priority than other things and people. I auditioned for the Dramatics society of my college and got through, in order to keep myself occupied, simultaneously I’m learning new things hence, growing as a person. I have started talking less to people, about people, with people and my chats mainly include various groups that I’m a part of, involvement in which is next to negligible. I don’t feel like talking to people since all they come up with is their problems and their life and I realized that nobody is really interested in whatever going on in my life. Life is right now going like a Cigarettes after sex‘s song, slow, steady and numb. Only happening things in my life right now are my cousin’s marriage and my dramatics society which take most of my time for which I’m grateful.
I think, I should sleep now and I know that even after saying this I won’t. I have an assignment due the day after tomorrow about which I know nothing, I don’t know how I’m going to do stuff. Lets see.
Last two months have been nothing but one emotional rollercoaster. I have always tried my best to be nothing but good to people. I have often found myself looking for reasons to talk to people in order to know if everything is fine with them or whether they need anyone or anything. I have always yearned for questions and exclamation marks in my relationships but I really don’t know how I feel about full stops, dot, point, period or whatever you guys call it. I kind of feel helpless and in a way vulnerable in letting people go, just like that. I mean, how is it so easy for someone to not care? Because I always fumble onto reasons to support their stand of leaving or letting go of something or someone or maybe me. I have understood that as you grow in numbers, years and in life it’s very hard to make new friends and extremely difficult to maintain old friendships. I try not to cling onto people because I wouldn’t approve of the same being done to me. I try not to say or do stuff that I wouldn’t want to be a victim or sufferer of. Now a days, all I do is go to washroom, spend a long time looking at myself in the mirror and imitate phrases like “If you knew I write about you, would you kiss me or just clap for me?” Then wash my face and go out.
Everybody just pretends to be normal. We all need people to fill up spaces, hours, nights and days that we have inside us and maybe that is the reason we are scared of letting go of them. Everybody is empty, you know. I really like saying “For you, a thousand times over” to people I love, admire but never got a reply back. And I understand that it’s not always going to be the case that you are going to mean something to someone what they mean to you. And I think it’s really sad when things don’t last that long. I can pass myself through the days and evenings and when there is light but nights really get me, I’m scared of it and I don’t know what it really is but I feel like something related to total desertion is catching sight of you, not because it’s worthless but maybe because it’s too reverent to be all over Hell’s half acre. Maybe because I haven’t been myself lately. I think, people just need time and I am going to give them just that. I’ll wait.
A picture of me when life was good and people were better.