It’s 3:30 in the morning (and this time, I’m not listening to any song. All I can hear is the barking of the dogs outside) and I’m back with my completely nonchalant way of cribbing about how pathetic my life is, which is solely because of horrible decisions that I generally tend to take. I went on a year long hiatus away from this blog which I doubt now belongs to me. Honestly, I didn’t get time to write or I didn’t feel like writing anything at all. I mean, I do felt like writing sometimes but I tend to procrastinate a lot. I’ve turned towards this blog to write about how much I miss home and how I can’t talk about whatever I feel right now about being away from all the comforts that it showers me with, feel like. I have noone to share what I honestly feel in this big city with more than a million people*. I have a lot of friends who are really close to me but I won’t have guts to talk about stuff that’s bothering me and is eating me inside, ever. I let it consume me, every time. I promised myself that I won’t cry this time when I’ll leave home. Promises are meant to be broken. There’s not a single second when I haven’t missed home. I miss maa the most. I miss her hands when she put them adjacent to her head purposely so that I can put my head there about which she’ll complain but will never withdraw. I wasn’t able to face her or look her in the eye when I was bidding her goodbye, I just couldn’t. Studying away from home or living away from home is a big deal for some people I never thought I’ll count myself in that strata. I always wanted to go out and have fun but it’s not fun anymore. The Breakfast Club’s Allison was right, Growing up sucks. You heart dies. Mine is slowly going on a forever sleep. Anyway, I just wanted to point that I miss home and now I’m going back to crying. Nothing can ever be like home. Not a place. Not even people.
I’m writing this while R.I.P To My Youth by The Neighbourhood plays in the background. I could see from the corner of my eye that my brother is in no mood of studying since I’m home after quite a long gap and he couldn’t wait for his pre-board exams to get over so that he can get back to bombarding me with his questions about my college life and the city I go to study in, memories of which are getting obsolete day by day but to him, the same city promises a new obscure world, where he despirately wants to belong. I could hear him talking and how he has now moved on to complaining about the amount of chocolate powder my mother has the habit of putting in our milk which according to him isn’t of appropriate proportion. Anyway, it’s been a long time since I’ve written something about myself or my life on my blog. I don’t know what caught me off gaurd in the past few months but I didn’t feel like writing anywhere, anything at all. Maybe, I was busy having the time of my life or maybe I was busy trying to convince myself that I was infact having the time of my life, probablity of either of the things happening seem negligible to me if I think of it now. Nothing sort of out of the box happened in the past few months. I had my cousin’s engagement in September and my exams in November so was occupied with that, else everything in between – about October is a distant blur to me which I don’t want to remember not because something horrific or exiciting happened but because nothing really happened. I was probably busy with the annual stage play of the Dramatics society of my college in which I’m handling the production work. I wanted to attend my cousin’s marriage but wasn’t able to make it because of my exams. I wish I was there, why am I always the one who misses all the fun? Life is unfair sometimes or maybe my schedule is. Anyway, now that I’m home, I’m trying to make myself indulge in things I have lost track of. Things, I used to love doing at some point in my life. Here’s ending my rant about how big an inconvenience my life is or had been (in the past few months) with a promise that I’ll try to be as regular and as frequest as possible on my blog, as if anybody actually reads whatever that I rant.
It’s 3 in the morning and I’m as usual back to the blog about which I almost forgot. I ended a lot of things and relationships that I had with people and begin new ones and decided to make myself as the priority than other things and people. I auditioned for the Dramatics society of my college and got through, in order to keep myself occupied, simultaneously I’m learning new things hence, growing as a person. I have started talking less to people, about people, with people and my chats mainly include various groups that I’m a part of, involvement in which is next to negligible. I don’t feel like talking to people since all they come up with is their problems and their life and I realized that nobody is really interested in whatever going on in my life. Life is right now going like a Cigarettes after sex‘s song, slow, steady and numb. Only happening things in my life right now are my cousin’s marriage and my dramatics society which take most of my time for which I’m grateful.
I think, I should sleep now and I know that even after saying this I won’t. I have an assignment due the day after tomorrow about which I know nothing, I don’t know how I’m going to do stuff. Lets see.