Last two months have been nothing but one emotional rollercoaster. I have always tried my best to be nothing but good to people. I have often found myself looking for reasons to talk to people in order to know if everything is fine with them or whether they need anyone or anything. I have always yearned for questions and exclamation marks in my relationships but I really don’t know how I feel about full stops, dot, point, period or whatever you guys call it. I kind of feel helpless and in a way vulnerable in letting people go, just like that. I mean, how is it so easy for someone to not care? Because I always fumble onto reasons to support their stand of leaving or letting go of something or someone or maybe me. I have understood that as you grow in numbers, years and in life it’s very hard to make new friends and extremely difficult to maintain old friendships. I try not to cling onto people because I wouldn’t approve of the same being done to me. I try not to say or do stuff that I wouldn’t want to be a victim or sufferer of. Now a days, all I do is go to washroom, spend a long time looking at myself in the mirror and imitate phrases like “If you knew I write about you, would you kiss me or just clap for me?” Then wash my face and go out.
Everybody just pretends to be normal. We all need people to fill up spaces, hours, nights and days that we have inside us and maybe that is the reason we are scared of letting go of them. Everybody is empty, you know. I really like saying “For you, a thousand times over” to people I love, admire but never got a reply back. And I understand that it’s not always going to be the case that you are going to mean something to someone what they mean to you. And I think it’s really sad when things don’t last that long. I can pass myself through the days and evenings and when there is light but nights really get me, I’m scared of it and I don’t know what it really is but I feel like something related to total desertion is catching sight of you, not because it’s worthless but maybe because it’s too reverent to be all over Hell’s half acre. Maybe because I haven’t been myself lately. I think, people just need time and I am going to give them just that. I’ll wait.
A picture of me when life was good and people were better.
It’s 3 in the morning and I am wide awake. I am laughing as I type this because I always start the posts about my life in the same manner, everytime and now I am begining to laugh at my mundaneness. I am awake because I didn’t sleep the day before yesterday as I was with my brother and we were discussing how fucked up our respective life are and how he can’t stand anymore of my grandma and her judgemental comments and so I slept through the whole freaking yesterday ad now, I can’t sleep. My college is off and I am home since 1st of June and I can’t wait to go back, I am literally done with home but I know how I am, I’ll miss it the moment I’ll step in Delhi. Why am I like this?
I am glad that I did something or the other that you all can call productive this vacation like I have started writing diary and I hope I will maintain that. I read a book about LGBTQ community and I think I am now more vocal and aware about how things are and what my stand is regarding the same. I used to read 5 to 6 books a month and now, all I can manage to complete is only one. I don’t know what is up with my reading habit but I know, I will get back to my reading obsession soon. I have also started sketching, drawing and doodling. I met a lot of people, made new friends and have grown very close to some. My friendship with Kanika and Kanwar has grown over the past few months and I think they are here to stay and if not, I will go to any length to keep them by my side forever. The reason why I like them is that I can talk about life with them which otherwise I feel uncomfortable and vulnarable talking about. I really don’t know what this friendship and our equation has to do with whatever I share with them but all I know is that they are people I can call mine and I think, that’s what really matters. All three of us have shared so much about each other that I can barely recall how we started talking and got so close. I am glad that they accept the way I am and don’t force their opinions down my throat. Before getting close to them I always had this preconceived notion that people are complex and they are going to come and go and that’s how it is but I never knew that some are really going to cling by your side and I think, that’s what surprises me about them because I am a really tough person to be friends with. I don’t have to be pretencious or deliberately have to have a point in order to make my presence felt, I can just sit and not talk and they’ll acknowledg me that way. I just hope that things go well with our respective life because that’s all we really have apart from people in it.
That’s me with Kanika (in the middle) and Kanwar. Summers of June, 2017.